There is a sad mix of Existential crisis and Wanderlust, whose
presence never fails to be by my side, these days. It is a mixture of the books, The Courage to Be and the “Anywhere Travel Guide- 75 cards for
discovering the unexpected, wherever your journey leads”.
I want the unexpected, the crazy—the infinite.
My extreme highs slushing to drawn out, apathetic lows
are frankly something I can no longer bear.
Traveling does do something to you. It makes you restless. It
makes you uneasy. It makes you want more from life than what the locals think is fine.
When things are too settled and mechanically simple, there is
a desire to break the ice in a dramatic way. Like what if I did just dance on the table in public, or scream
at the top of my lungs at random, like my friend used to imagine doing. I
wonder too. What is this veneer that society is so desperately trying to
preserve? Is it that great? Is subjugating the lion of humanity all we’re
after? It is a poor profit if it is.
What is it I’m so eager to rebel against? The world? My job?
Ignorant members of society? Yes, all. But it’s more than that. It’s an anger
with and at myself for not being more brave. I
subjugate myself everyday to do what is expected of me, instead of what flows
from me naturally; and I resent it. I resent that I cannot make money
yet from following my latent passions. I have to lie down, waiting to be
emotionally raped of all feelings to the contrary.
I resent that I don’t do more, that I am not more. A lack of
courage is at the heart of it. But had I the courage, what would I want to
chase, really?
“Man is estranged from what he essentially is. His existence in
a transitory world contradicts his essential participation in the eternal world
of ideas (127). And “the emphasis on the contingency of everything that exists
makes both the will of God and the being of man equally contingent. It gives to
man the feeling of a definite lack of ultimate necessity, with respect not only
to himself but also to his world. And it gives him a corresponding anxiety”
(Tillich 129).
I feel this anxiety and estrangement from myself, God and this
world. And it leaves me with nowhere to go to get away.
