Which Path do You Choose?

Can you think of a time in life when you were actually given permission to Not know the answer? In school when the teacher called on you, you were expected to give a clear answer and were subsequently stigmatized if you failed to; even being made fun of by peers if your response differed from the norm. 

So in life too, as we take a stand at the bar, we sometimes can feel like there’s an anonymous crowd jeering expectations for our life path. Yet the resulting anxiety at getting it “right” at best elicits uncertainty and at worst paralysis. We are all “promising empty vessels”, but this is hardly comforting. Expectations (and ensuing disappointment) soon trail the boy or girl with “lots of potential”.

The problem is we can’t always think our way out of the not knowing what to do and into our perfect job, relationship, etc. It just doesn’t translate that way. 

The New York Times article, “Life has Questions. They Have Answers” brings this issue to light. In Stanford there is even a class (and book) “Designing Your Life”, dedicated to coaching students and individuals in facing the intimidating ‘what to do’ question. Mr. Burnett, one of the teachers, reminds us (as if we needed reminding) of the ubiquitous meta-narrative held in society that by 25 (now maybe 27) one should have “figured it out”. [What is this “it” and why is figuring or calculating involved?] He goes on to list reasons many older adults reason out our ambivalence: millennial laziness, wide-spread failure-to-launch, etc. Something offered in the class that is not offered in any other school room, job-setting, or family gathering: permission to not know. In fact, even going so far as to say, “You’re not supposed to have it figured out.” 

Being told it is okay to not know-- now that is new in history! 

As suggested by Mr. Burnett, “A common mistake that people make is to assume that there’s only one right solution or optimal version of your life and that if you choose wrong, you’ve blown it.” He finds that idea absurd. “There are lots of you. There are lots of right answers.” 

This reminds me of the movie Mr. Nobody. Early on the protagonist as a little boy has to decide whether to go board the train and live with his mother or stay behind to live with his father. Either choice (with “Chance” written on the building behind him) would lead him to a possibility of three distinctly different lives, with three distinctly different women.

A poignant part of the movie is at the end when the man interviewing Mr. Nobody asks him,

            -Man-“Of all those lives, which one is the right one?”

            -Mr. Nobody-“Each of these lives is the right one.”  “Every path is the right path. Everything could have been anything else, and it would have just as much meaning.”(Tennessee Williams)

Another line that re-emphasizes the point: “We cannot go back, that’s why it’s hard to choose. You have to make the right choice. As long as you don’t choose, everything remains possible.” But this stagnation from fear of committing in the wrong direction only exacerbates the dilemma. At some point we have to make a Choice. Come what may.

1.) Ask the Right Question

-To guide discussion Mr. Burnett in his class asks a simple but profound question: “When did you seem the most animated, the most present?” Hmm. This one will make you stop and think, as only you can know this. Mr. and Mrs. Nosy-pants over there cannot make a suggestion that comes close to what you’ve seen to be true for you. 

2.) Say "Yes"

-When an opportunity comes, and you abruptly say “No” to it, you are violating one of the principles discussed in his book: being open to “latent wonderfulness”. Make sure you’re saying No because of self knowledge and not looking a gift horse in the mouth. Sometimes the Universe sees further down the road than we do. 

3.) Make 3 Life Plans

-So you thought making one 5-year plan was hard? Well, making three might be easier!

-The book and the class emphasize making 3 “Odyssey Plans” that allow you to imagine and map out 3 radically different life/career paths. In this way, no longer are you pressured to condense who you are and what you want into one narrow avenue; you now have 3 vastly different future potentials!

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Furthermore, even if your eventual choice doesn’t pan out, don’t despair. One of the the students who took the class, Emma Wood, said it best: “Your whole future and happiness aren’t tied to this one plan working out. You can make mistakes. Failure is good.”

One of the students at the end of the class admitted he still didn’t know what he wanted to do. “But I’m more open to trying something and seeing how it goes. It’s that bias towards action. You can’t think your way into your future.” Give yourself permission to not know the answer. Only then can there be a space for it to come.

10 Golden Rules of Decorating

There is something about style that makes everyone a critic. For all the fashion, wedding and décor magazines that spout “what’s in” this season, how many of us are actually thinking about what we’re being told.

Fashions come and go. The same with décor.

How can you discern what’s a passing fad, and what constitutes as real style? Surprisingly, House Beautiful, from October 1989 had some tips.

10 Golden Rules of Decorating

1. Classic

• For some people, Classic means simple and unchanging in quality. For others, it means glamorous but simple style or design. Think of the fashion of Audrey Hepburn or Marilyn Monroe. Items that embody the attributes of a classic car or a little black dress have timelessness and a sense of endurance.
• For those who haven’t been there, Monticello is a classic example of Classic. The home of our once president, designed in 1800 by Thomas Jefferson himself, exudes the juxtaposition of refinement and restraint, invention and convention, reason and sentiment. What makes it classic? Simply that nothing (or very little) that’s in the home has or will ever go out of style. Sure there is china and silver from the 1700’s, and busts of philosophers in the style of the Greco-Roman era, but these are still in stately homes today.
• Classic doesn’t always mean having history, though. You can create a space that seems timeless without looking into antiques, but be sure to incorporate elements that aren’t just of this century. That being said, Restoration Hardware makes a killing with their (in my opinion) Monticello inspired furniture, desks, chandeliers, rough hewn headboards, mirrors, even art work. What’s old is new again, but for a price.

2. Comfort

• For some, comfort literally means big, soft, squishy furniture to lounge on. This is part of it, but not the whole picture. Accessibility is one aspect that must be taken into consideration. Your bedroom that you’re arranging, does it have bedside tables that are the right height? What about your living room: does it have a coffee table that’s the right dimensions for family/guests who are sitting on the couch to put their drink/popcorn?

• Something we don't often think of is how much other people have to deal with our seemingly personal design choices. What is the situation of the floors? Do you have people take off their shoes at the door and have them walk around on cold tile or semi splintery hardwood floors? Is the new beige carpeting something that actually creates more discomfort for your guests when they accidentally track in dirt?

• Comfort is a two way street: Put yourself in a guest’s shoes, and then check in with how you feel (how you really feel) about certain décor decisions. For instance, while that nice new white couch is rather plush, (and looked so good in that magazine!) can you see yourself sitting on there with your wild kids who came in from outside or a slobbery dog/shedding cat?

3. Symmetry

• Symmetry is essentially balance. Is your bed in the center of your room, does it have flanking bedside tables, are the pictures on the wall arranged in a way that’s balanced? This doesn’t mean necessarily making things perfectly matchy-matchy, or identical though.
• Does it feel like everything has its place; that time was put into creating a harmonious configuration that is pleasing to the eye? Or is furniture or displays just thrown together without rhyme or reason?
• Symmetry is a rule that can and is often broken, and sometimes it’s a good thing. Many people go for the eclectic look, the haphazard, bohemian thrown together look.  In fact, imbalance can be a form of balance. Yet even in seeming lack of order, there is something about these eclectic looks that feel put together and thought out. That’s because one can only create the “thrown together” look by thoughtful consideration.

4. Suitability

• What is the room’s purpose? All items in the room should relate back to this intended purpose or vision for the room. Not that everything in a room has to serve a utilitarian purpose, but items need to look like they belong. For instance, one can have mini pumpkins in a bedroom for seasonal décor, though they don’t strictly have bedroom connotations. However, having an exercise machine in a dining room/study is a bit of a quirk that moves into unsuitability. While the room may be “multi-purpose”, a room in a home should not have more than two purposes if any of the uses impedes on any of the other uses.
• “We must learn to recognize suitability, simplicity and proportion, and apply our knowledge to our needs…a huge stuffed leather chair in a tiny gold-and-cream room is unsuitable.” –Elsie De Wolfe
• What works for one room may not work for another. Each room has its designated purpose with consequently different design results. To assume plush beige pillows go on seats where people take their shoes off is just as ridiculous as putting carpet in a kitchen or bathroom: it just doesn’t work, practically speaking.

5. Color

• The use of color in rooms has always been a tool in design. Be it in the wall color, the furniture, the carpets or curtains, color cannot help but draw the eye. Color can express personality (or lack of one), mood and even status. Stone, wood, or white walls were common for most of history, but as new pigments were discovered and mixed, walls became a source for more than just holding up houses.
• Some knowledge of color theory and color combinations is key if one is painting rooms in any color besides white. Of course just painting your dining room red and living room blue because you were suggested to by HGTV may not be the best course of action. It would depend on how the furnishings and décor correspond to these bright hues. If the furniture is drab and dated this will contrast negatively. If on the other hand, time is spent considering the overall look, it can be managed with brilliant results.
• The flip side is those people who insist on going neutral (no thanks to the magazines) What these brilliant magazine stories fail to show is the clutter and (again) often outdated furniture that gets incorporated with this blah palette. What so often results is not “relaxing peaceful” paradise, but bland, boring cheese sandwich with out of date wheat bread. Unless you have hosts of antiques or classy upscale finds, no amount of pops of color can truly save the all neutral color palette.

6. Passion

• Décor and fashion are two main places where you can express your voice. Rooms can be loud, quiet, chaotic, uncertain, depressed, whimsical and have a point of view just like people. But they must say something. If they have no real direction or clear message, the lack of one is itself clear. People who don’t invest time in their homes don’t invest much time in themselves.  But they (and you!) cannot afford to put off taking time for yourself (and your home).
• Basically, decorate with what you love. There’s no use spending hard earned money on items that you feel apathetic towards. The rooms in your house should make you happy; if they don't you’re doing something wrong. Different things make different people happy. The point is to think original. Think meaningful.
• See Golden Rule #10 for more details.

7. Warmth

• Warmth has more to do with texture in fabric than the amount of warmth that fabric might actually create. It’s a feeling of softness that envelops the room. This can be created by velvet table cloths, satin curtains, chenille sofa coverings, rough leather chairs and sheepskin rugs to name a few. Having stacked blankets or draped throws are examples of literal and figurative warmth in rooms.
• Warmth also has to do with color combinations. For those who know a little color theory, there literally are “warm colors” and cool colors. The warm colors consist of: reds, yellows and oranges. Cool colors are green and blue shades. .
• Ask yourself what makes you feel cozy in a room? Is it having that hoard of stuffed animals from childhood on your bed? Is it having those family pictures lined up in a row in your living room? Do most of your furniture have soft edges and are they soft to the touch (will have a warmer feel) or is most of your furniture more modern with straight lines and hard edges (will make the room feel cooler)? Is that low-pile carpet in your bedroom just decorative or does it actually provide nice contact for your feet in winter?

8. Contrast

• “If a room is too rich, or if the furniture is all too ornate or all too primitive, the room is wrong. It is contrast that brings it excitingly alive.”- Michael Taylor
• Mixing contemporary elements with vintage finds can create eye catching contrast if done the right way. So the wallpaper is Victorian inspired and some of your furniture looks like it’s from IKEA. Cool! So you have a modern industrial style kitchen with woven Navajo baskets hanging from the walls—that’s different! Do what makes you happy, and what you honestly think works in the space.
• Mixing colors you wouldn’t think to combine can actually create a nice contrast. One room I’m thinking of has yellow and light green striped walls with orange patterned curtains and a royal blue quilted table cloth with red dots.  Because that particular room was littered with antique treasures and family portraits it combines old and new in a dramatic new twist that is truly individual. There are those people that just break the rules entirely; if you have enough passion, you can get away with almost any contrast.

9. Scale

• Scale is not just about how big one item is, but how big or small it is in relation to other things in the room. That couch may have looked like a nice size in Sears, but in the 1 room apartment it might be a bit much. If there’s a mix of small and big furniture what makes it work is how it’s put together and how harmoniously it looks when assembled. Example: One of the mistakes people make is installing a chandelier in their dining room or bedroom that is either too small or too big for the designated space.
• In rooms that are large, having high ceilings, “bigger the better” is a good strategy. Bring in that oversized flower arrangement that pairs nicely with the smaller items on the adjacent shelf. Go for that larger sconce that takes up more of the wall. Buy that bigger shelf that holds all of your books. What you don’t want is to bring in small scale furnishings; you need items that can hold their own. Don’t be intimidated by being too loud.
• On the other hand, in small spaces, don’t go crazy with trying to do too much. Maybe don’t include that large painting that near fills up that wall. Maybe that purchase of that large armoire was a mistake for such a small laundry room. If you don’t have the space to accommodate the item, don’t pretend that it fits.Does it take away from the other beautiful, interesting décor?

10. Personal Style

• A room with no stamp of original personality is like a bakery that just sells other baker’s handmade goods. Is a home really a home if it just holds random furniture, décor and colors that others have classified as “good”? For some all one needs to call a place a home is somewhere to eat, sleep and watch TV. Yet even people who live in motor homes or Volkswagen vans decorate to express their personality!

• Personal Style, just to clarify, is about expressing who you uniquely are. Not who 10,000 other teenage girls or bearded men around the world are and are into. What makes you, you? This is something no interior decorator can help with, as it involves time (even years) to “discover” what makes you tick. Are new “fashionable” pictures/items bought by the masses truly indicative of unique personal style? Is what Target thinks is cool now, what you really think is cool now? What expresses individuality, then? Everything from the carpet color to your bedding design to your wall color to your trinkets. Creating a room from just 1 or 2 stores is not the way to express your unique individuality.

•  Art does say something about who we are, so notice what it is you’re ‘saying’. Do you really think you’ll be going to Paris in the near future, or is that Eiffel tower print the only classy scene you can imagine? Is that beach sunset really the most beautiful thing you’ve seen or was it just a good deal at Wal-Mart? Is that collection of inspirational words (Live, Laugh, Dance, etc) really as motivational as you first thought in the store? I’m really asking because these décor “solutions” are so often tried that their value has to be questioned. Yes, Paris, nature and affirmations are all great; but as frequently as these same scenes are mass produced, it hardly makes them unique symbols of the timeless quality they represent.

The Masonry of Daily Grey

I would like to argue that today’s least discussed books of the past actually contain all that is needed for daily life. Yet how many speak of looking for such Passé wisdom and in such a corner? On your very bookshelf lies the “kink of the unseen”; yet alas, you look not. Perhaps no bookshelf reclines in your room of petty requirement, or the books are not of an intellectually grand kind. 

John Ruskin speaks of this magnanimity of books of the past (now his is one of them!) in his work “Sesame and Lilies”. He sees the necessity of arranging one’s short life around intake of such noble resources so as not to squander the riches at hand.  “Will you go and gossip with your housemaid, or stable-boy, when you may talk with queens and kings….” He continues saying that you alone position yourself in rank above or below in society according to your attentions and “desire to take in this company of the Dead”. Therefore, “ by your aristocracy of companionship there, your own inherent aristocracy will be assuredly tested” (52).

According to Howard’s End, by E.M. Forster, there are two kinds of people in the world: Wilcoxes and Schlegels.

The Wilcoxes

The Wilcoxes of the world have always been there to lay un-ornamented, yet practical porches, looking out upon even duller morning mists, which consequently only they could have created. Their thoughts and opinions, expressed openly, are vacuous and irrelevant to more bold and penetrating impressions. They care about bland sense, logic, practicality and care nothing for the poetry, literature, art and philosophy that are the meat and cheese of the Schlegels’ world. There’s nothing wrong with them by this description, other than they lack all sentimentality; they perform actions devoid of imagination and heart, and openly reject actions that arise from these “frivolities”. All progress, then, becomes the work of clumsy hands that stem from ideas drawn from even clumsier minds. 

The Miss Schlegels

·         These are the minds that tend towards intellection, philosophical discussion, deliberation, dreaming, and all-encompassing feeling. They are the idealists of the world who see above (or beneath) the daily grey. They want to question this dullness of life and spirit. They seek to penetrate the great mysteries of the “other side” and expose the absurdities of this side of the grave. They ask the untapped questions, they are the ones that stir the ashes when no one wants a fire. Their senses are so finely attuned that they allocate and ignite subtlety wherever they go, in whatever medium they enter. It is this subtlety in relation to life, an asset beyond reckoning that is so overlooked by this modern age. And thus it is even harder to put a price tag on these “feelings” or have a job requirements section for such intuitive abilities.

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However, success in this world is often granted to (and by!) the Wilcoxes of the world. Yet Schlegels are expected to thrive and succeed in it as well; though the world disparages Introvert-intuitive personality types, generally. So there proves a contradiction, a disparity unacknowledged because before now there has been no label for these types.

One of the parts of the book that struck me can be summarized as follows.

Helen Schlegel and Leonard Bast (a fellow dreamer trying to survive in a Wilcox world) have a deep discussion at some point where he explains to her why he has given up, a bit. Where once walking in the woods at nightfall and perusing books by Ruskin or Stevenson was delightful, Leonard now puts them aside for more practical matters. He believes that money is what’s real, where “all the rest is a dream”. Helen urges him that he’s wrong; that there’s a force greater still that has more power over all of us: Death. She continues, “If we lived for ever, what you say would be true. But we have to die, we have to leave life presently. Injustice and greed would be the real thing if we lived for ever. As it is, we must hold to other things, because Death is coming. I love Death…He shows me the emptiness of Money.”

Helen goes on to say how none of us is exempt from the situation, “We are all in a mist—I know but I can help you this far—men like the Wilcoxes are deeper in the mist than any. Sane, sound Englishmen! Building up empires, leveling all the world into what they call common sense. But mention Death to them and they’re offended, because Death’s really imperial…”(188). Helen finishes by insisting that Leonard therefore “never give in” (189). 

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I think we can make the mental leap to recognizing how the modern "Wilcox" is being raised up today. Oh, classics are being read; but only by school mates robed in apathy, saving smiles for selfies. And the teachers are vested in nothing but apology and appeasement to state standards. Education today will not create upstanding, commanding, noble members of society; instead it will create slaves to the ever new, and ceaseless carelessness. If “educere” means to lead out, it leads nothing out but a line of heavy trash bags from predictable cafeterias. Any movements that spring from this generation drugged on ipads, raised by YouTube, will be of a disturbed feckless motion; a one-direction movement, going downward, disinterestedly. 

In short, schools and our culture generally, are creating masons of the Daily Grey. And I don't know about you, but I think the world deserves to see what the Schlegels of the world can do for a change.